Big changes in life are emotionally exhausting

They say that's the case. And sure I've been through others and they were. But losing my job as I inch closer to retirement really has been exhausting.

Possibly, I could have changed jobs at some point here in the next few years, or maybe could have retired a little earlier than expected. And I have no doubt those would have taken more or less the same emotional toll.

3 decades of doing something consistently, and it ends. You have to adapt. We as humans like that consistency. It's hard for us.

Even if for some reason I went back to the company I used to work for, it would be different. Sure the trappings might be familiar, but I would feel different.

Anywho, I had a weird ass dream last night. Someone at my old company texted / called me to offer a job. I was conflicted about it, but was going to take it.

And then I woke up, and I was very disoriented. After a few minutes, I started to understand what was bothering me about the situation the other day.

While the old team moving into a department I wanted to go to was jarring, it was the conversation I had with old work friends that got to me.

I told one friend I had no real intention of going back, but for a good opportunity I might consider it. And in my head I was thinking that someone would have to reach out and want ME for it to be a real consideration.

What I came to realize was that in all the time I was looking - both before and after my notification - no one actually helped in any way.

Some people listened, made what seemed like good suggestions (that were dead ends), and even helped with my resume. But there were no solid offers of jobs, even for things I applied and interviewed for. A side note: the company is VERY slow to hire - even internally - so it's hard not to take it a little personally.

I might be inclined to make an exception for the person that thought I was the top candidate for a job. But given that it was never actually offered? That's just noise.

No one cares about me and no one remembers me, really.

And the part that really stings is that no one will ever call and say they want me.

That realization sums it up. My being upset. My dream. It all comes from there.

I've mentioned before that years ago there was a guy who left, and they had a big party for him. "Great guy! We'll miss you!" Lots of people came. Some even offered him (seemingly real) opportunities to stay.

And then for me? I mailed back my laptop and no one really said goodbye.